I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
