a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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