My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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