Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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