Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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