Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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