remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
