What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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