Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
