I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
