Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
