Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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