hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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