I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
