at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
