I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize