I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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