Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize