So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
