just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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