too bad you live with your parents still
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
