Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
