she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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