she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
two words: eviction party
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
