Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
