Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
