No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
