You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
