You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
