You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize