just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize