my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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