Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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