My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
