Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
