Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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