Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
