i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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