i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
