Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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