Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize