i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
