Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
