apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
