wakey wakey hands off snakey
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
