he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
