just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
