I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
even my farts smell like vagina
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
