i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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