I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize