I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
