apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
