I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
