shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize