I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize