im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
