i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
